13 days.

13 days until I start school for Psychology. I rushed to get all the documents sent that needed to be sent & completed FAFSA. I spoke with the school representatives about 25 times, seriously. I got accepted. I am so excited. I've got the perfect laptop (macbook pro) thanks to my absolutely wonderful parents. I got my books in the mail today. One is back ordered but I received a message that it has shipped today so I will have it in plenty of time. I have a little under 4 years of schooling for my bachelors in Psychology: Life Coaching and then I will complete my Masters in Professional Counseling. I then will get licensed and become a Licensed Professional Counselor (a Therapist). 

It may be a long time from now that I will be an official therapist but today, I am one step closer to becoming one than I was yesterday. And that feels good.

HEARTLESS BASTARDS- Came A Long Way

sometimes a silence seems

so loud to me

and i'm thinking out loud

and i'm trying to keep

too much reflection

isn't healthy for me

present and future

is where i need to be

but i'm stalling this story

i'm gonna fill it with glory

cause theres no place to go but up

and i'm changing my outlook

cause looking inwards

isn't always a good place to go

and i hold my head now

with a tear in my eye

cause i don't really

care no more

always so little things

that eat at your soul

and i'm not gonna

worry about them no more

i came a long way

came a-a long way

came a-a long way

came a-a long way

day by day

living this way

i'm gonna carry on

i'm i'm taking my time

gonna do things just right

i'm gonna carry on

ohohhh oh ohhh...

oh my head's always

been filled with worry

and i think it apart

and it will always bleed

i got no expectations

ain't got no regrets

when i was living that way

i wasn't living at all

well i'm stalling this story

gonna fill it with glory

cause theres no place to go but up

and i'm changing my outlook

cause looking inwards

wasn't always a good place to go

and i hold my head now

with a tear in my eye

cause i don't really care no more

oh it's those little things

that eat at your soul

and i'm not gonna worry

about them no more

i came a long way

came a-a long way

came a-a long way

came a-a long way

day by day

living this way

i'm gonna carry on

I'm I'm taking my time

gonna do things just right

i'm gonna carry on oh ohhh

into despise

let me discover

don't want to rewrite

my lover

and living thereby

cause i'm in your life and

how did i get here?

Yesterday was Sunday and when I woke up from some crazy ass dreams I knew that if we did not get out of our house and go hiking, I may end up kicking a kitten.

Now, we don't have any kittens but we do have four robust cats and they would suffice.
We ate breakfast, which for me included a nice bowl of rice kripies cereal & for Matt that included two double chocolate muffins. He's got the food desire of a fat child with a wide twitching eye for two big macs and 4 Capri Suns but at least he limited himself to two muffins.

After breakfast we loaded up some water and our sweet Azi and we were off.

Recently, I have been trying to take Matt's advice and enjoy where we are in the present and not focus so much on wanting to be somewhere else. That somewhere else is back in Colorado. We both fell in love with that state so much to a point that I could never even try to describe it...therefore I tend to compare every hike after that to our Colorado hikes. Yes, Georgia has its appeal to some I am sure but when you've seen something that is so you- that is so where you fell like you have belonged your whole life it's hard to NOT think about it. I agree with Matt when he says we can always focus on trying to get out there someday...there's nothing wrong with goals but we should make the most of the present. And the present is here in Georgia.

Sometimes I try to picture us out there... I can see it. But it would be very hard leaving my parents again. I can picture us with two creative children, hippie children of course. What else would they be? Us living in a small home surrounded by greenery and mountain air in a small town. Growing our own food and herbs for the most part. Making and selling our lamps. Making life long friends with similar lifestyles and interests. Going mountain hiking. Matt, mountain biking. And playing outside with our children and our friends until the sun went down over the mountains. Then going to our local bar & grille where we are known to be at least a few times a week getting our regular drinks with our regular friends. Me working as a therapist in my own clinic where we also do yoga and holistic healing. I can picture it all. All of it except missing my parents.

That's what I dream about. That's what we both dream about. A simple laid back lifestyle in a laid back beautiful small town.

But for now...Georgia it is so let's go back to yesterday before I start posting Colorado pictures and crying like a freakin' baby!

We got to the pigeon creek trail- right across from the Llama farm at about 4. :) I believe pigeon creek is also known as Little Kennesaw Mountain. Which is interesting to me because "Little Kennesaw Mountain" was much more of a work out than Kennesaw Mountain could think about being. We hiked to the top of Pigeon creek and then continued on up to the top of Kennesaw mountain. Azi was adorable with all the dogs we passed. She always thinks everyone is her friend. Which for the most part is a good trait to have. Whenever we are hiking no matter the location (for the most part) it clears my mind. Of course I still think a million thoughts per minute but my body and my soul feel renewed in the woods. Everything makes sense for that time period and my mind is in a good place.

When we are hiking I often catch myself watching Matt's feet. He has the clumsiest hiking feet. He slips a lot on rocks and trips often and he usually takes a harder road than necessary. But it always, always makes me smile. Part of the reason why I love hiking so much is because I can see how happy he is when he is out in the woods. He is beaming and grinning from ear to ear. I think he feels free. He runs with Azi some and takes in everything. We talk about the most random things or sometimes we don't even have to talk at all. But it's one of those times where I feel closest to him and his heart.

So maybe Colorado is where we want to be but it does not matter where we are as long as we have each other. He is my greatest treasure. My greatest friend and the love of my life. I can't wait to watch his clumsy feet in the woods for the rest of my life. And when we get too old and when he gets even more clumsy, I can't wait to hold his hand and walk on the trails arm in arm talking about the wonderful life we've created together and the amazing memories we've shared.

A story you may not know about me.

I understand this is long but it's a story I finally feel like sharing. 

I have Pure-O OCD. Purely Obsessional. I am 25 years old & I have had OCD since I was 6 years old. Wasn't diagnosed until I was 18. I have tried more medications & therapists than I can count. For the past 5 years I have been seeing psychiatrist, Dr. Michael Lyles in Atlanta, GA. (who is absolutely phenomenal & well known I might add) I grew up southern baptist. My parents were rather involved with the church- therefore I was as well.

When I was 6 or 7 my grandmother told me stories of how she used to get demons out of people. She went into great detail of what the demons looked like, what they sounded like, what the people who were possessed with them looked like...etc. I was instantly tramatized. I still believe this is what triggered my OCD initially. I do not believe my grandmother CAUSED my OCD but I do know that she triggered it in some way that day.

Being so young and impressionable I didn't know what to do. I believed everything she said. I took it to heart. I didn't want to go near windows because I was afraid demons would be out at night. I did not want to sleep because I was afraid I would become possessed myself. I was constantly full of worry, full of pain. 

Growing up in a southern baptist church you hear A LOT about heaven and hell and you hear a lot about satan and how he can get you down or mess with your "walk with God". I was such a sensitive child and I took it all in.

I began to also obsess about people breaking into our home, people killing me or my family, our house catching on fire, etc. I also started worrying about odd sexual thoughts or people sexually harrassing me. My head was filled with so much anxiety. I didn't tell my parents a lot of what I thought because I was embarassed and because I thought that maybe this was normal? Maybe every child thought these things?

I finally started telling my parents some of my fears and they (being very involved with the church)...thought I was going through some sort of "spiritual warfare" and that the devil was messing with me and our family. I know it sounds crazy especially if you were not raised southern baptist but this was normal for us. I sure as hell didn't know any better and honestly, neither did they at the time. They thought they were doing the right thing. They had NO idea that what I had was ocd. They would take me to my grandparents house and they would pray with me. (which only made me feel more anxious because all I associate God with is the devil by now)

I had a really tough time on and off growing up dealing with ocd and finally at age 18 I noticed I began cleaning A LOT and that I was very fear ful of hurting others and hurting myself. I would have all nightmares and wake up balling crying. I had friends hide all the knives at my college apt. I was scared for my life and for the people in my life. At this point I KNEW this wasn't normal. My friends didn't act like this..my friends didn't have this fear controlling their lives...they were able to do daily things and I wasn't. 

I went into a deep depression and my parents sent me to a Christian Therapist. I spoke with a woman and for once I finally shared everything I was thinking and feeling. Got it all off my chest. She called me a few days later and said that she really thought I had OCD and that I needed to seek a therapist specifically for OCD. Me and my parents were stunned. Never in a million years did I think I could have OCD.. I thought "I don't wash my hands!" (because ofcourse that's all they show on the damn TV about OCD) The more I read the more I realized that this was my disease. This was it. I felt relieved and terribly upset at the same time.

How did my parents not know? How could my grandma have told me those things when I was so young?

This are still questions that I wonder today but I have fully forgiven my parents (and my grandmother) because they do EVERYTHING in their power to help me with my OCD struggle now and they were devastated that they never knew about it earlier in my life. My mom carries so much guilt and it makes me sad for her. I'll be honest, I still feel somewhat bitter towards my grandmother for sharing those awful stories with me but I still love her more than anything in this world. She means everything to me. 

Since the age of 18,  I no longer go to church. I do not associate myself with church. I associate church with the devil and my ocd and panic attacks stem from worrying about being possessed still today... I believe there is a God but I don't feel comfortable talking about it because of how I was raised or rather the church I was raised in. I don't believe in most all of the Baptist beliefs and when I have children myself they will not be raised that way.

Currently,

I am on Anafranil and Rispirdal for OCD/Depression/Panic disorder. From OCD and meds I have tried I have had severe suicidal thoughts, my ocd has been off the charts, I have had times where I could not work because the ocd and anxiety was so disabling, I had hallucinations of shadows and a feeling like someone was behind me, headaches, diarrhea, throwing up...It's seriously been so much on me. I still struggle with OCD & depression. I still have my really bad days but I am better. 

I go to a OCD chatroom about every other night or so and talk with my OCD friends, they really mean a lot to me. It's called OCDtribe.com. 


My family, very close friends & ofcourse my best friend, loving and utmost patient husband, matt know of my OCD. I've always felt embarrassed to tell people I have OCD for fear of what they would say behind my back and honestly I don't think it's necessarily everyone's business. But I just don't care anymore and I think it may clear up some things about me. It's me or rather it's a part of me and if you don't like it well you just don't belong in my life. There are other pure O people out there...a lot of them just don't share their story and I really felt I should share mine if it could help one person feel like they could relate.

-Kristin

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. 

-Bob Marley


Sometimes I am honestly shocked by how good my taste in music is. It's ridiculous really.  It's also ridiculous how mad I get at other's horrible taste in music. I hate to sound so music cocky but I am an official music snob and I think I have every right to be one. One might say "well people just have different taste in music... that doesn't mean their's is any worse than yours" 


no, that's exactly what it means and I will tell you why.


When you listen to "bands" like **shudders** Nickelback, you are listening to horrible lyrics with a douche bag lead singer (that probably plays no instrument mind you)... w/ a some what catchy chorus that makes it appealing to radio and makes it repeat over and over in your head. You are listening to a band that has most likely completely sold out and are now making music for the money not for the soul. You are not going to hear good music on the radio. (unless you live somewhere with a really good college radio station)  That's because everyone has gotten used to this super watered down cock rock bullshit or equally dulled pop music. It's pathetic. 


When you hear good music. Music that makes you "feel no pain". You know it. It's that moment when you are standing in a tiny venue RIGHT by the stage listening to your favorite band play their heart out...giving it everything they've got... and your whole body feels this intense moment of peace. This feeling that everything is right. Right at that moment. It's that moment where you want to burst into tears with happiness or maybe you just stare in amazement and bask in the the feeling that's going on in your soul. You can feel it deep down. You know that you will never forget that moment. 


That's when you know you've heard good music. 


And if you've honestly gotten that feeling from a band like Nickleback- first off I don't believe you.

secondly- just listen to some bands that aren't on the radio. just give it a try. bands like heartless bastards, john butler trio, cold war kids, ryan bingham, jim james, tv on the radio, string cheese incident, umphreys mcgee, tea leaf green, black joe lewis and the honeybears....hell give me a genre and i'll give you some bands. 

If that fails...you will never ever fully understand me or music, sadly. 

:)

YOUTH LAGOON - Seventeen lyrics

Rowing the campground up by the lake where we swam.

We were hunting for snakes,

But we couldn't find them.

Surrounded by nothing,

But the nothing's surrounded by us.

But it's just me in my room,

With my eyes shut.

When I was seventeen,

My mother said to me

"Don't stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die."

Now I pull a wanton carriage,

Instead of the horses, grazing along.

I was having fun.

We were all having fun.

My brain kicking faster than I can,

But not fast enough.

Who is there to talk to

That won't lock me up?

At least God doesn't judge me by the thoughts that I find,

The snakes I couldn't find,

I don't want to find.

When I was seventeen,

My mother said to me

"Don't stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die."

Now I pull a wanton carriage,

Instead of the horses, grazing along.

I was having fun.

We were all having fun.

So I've been thinking...

Perhaps I am in the wrong "field" well, not that I am really IN any field at all but perhaps I am headed in the wrong direction. Something feels very off.

Back up about 4 months ago.
I thought 100% that I wanted to work in a spa. I wanted to be an Esthetician without a shadow of doubt and I really wanted to go to school for it. I thought skincare and helping people feel good about themselves in their skin was the greatest idea. I visited a school in Atlanta, hell i even enrolled.

As the start date got closer I realized I wasn't mentally ready to go back to school. My obsessive compulsive disorder was not in check and my depression was still pulling me down every day. I decided to not go through with it. About a week or two later I ended up getting a job at a spa that my mom and I had visited when we were having lunch downtown. I've been there since then and while it's still an interesting field it's not for me. Maybe I got this job so that I could see it wasn't really everything I thought it would be.

One reason why I feel I am not going in the right direction is the fact that Matt and I want a baby. Yes, a baby. We didn't plan to want one so soon but hey, things change and sometimes they change quickly. Let's just say I don't make enough money to live off of myself much less to help support a baby.

So it got me thinking...
Maybe the reason why I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is so that I can use it to help other people with the same disorder and other disorders as well. Maybe I am meant to be a licensed professional counselor. And maybe that would be the field I could go into to be able to help support a baby and our future.

I've never really thought this way before. I've honestly never thought about a future for someone else- it's always just been about myself. I like it, I like it a lot actually.

That's all for today. :]